


Two Fools With a Crush and One Jackalope

by ClockworkDinosaur (orphan_account)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, Funny, Jake-alope, Short One Shot, Silly, danbrey, tazwlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 12:45:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18282632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ClockworkDinosaur
Summary: Dani is a useless lesbian with a dumb idea. Jake Coolice is the ultimate wingman. Together they have one braincell and that braincell is dedicated to getting Dani and Aubrey closer.





	Two Fools With a Crush and One Jackalope

**Author's Note:**

> an idea that took the TAZwlw server by storm and inspired the goofiest fic i've ever written
> 
> i havent written in a while tbh but hopefully this fic will get me back into the swing of things! enjoy!

                Summertime in Kepler was no excuse for Jake to let his board languish in storage. The slopes may have been empty but as soon as winter rolled back around, he would be ready to shred. But for now, the stillness he found himself in was comforting. He sat on the stairs of the screened-in porch behind Amnesty Lodge, chatter from inside a soothing white noise as he polished his snowboard. It gleamed in the afternoon light and he admired it with pride. The heat of the day bore down on him in full force but he hardly noticed it.

                Rusty hinges squealed. He turned with an easy grin and scooted over to allow Dani to sit next to him on the worn wooden step. She fidgeted with her hair, smoothing the flyaway strands that escaped her braid behind her ears, only for them to fall back into her face a moment later.

                “Somethin’ up?” Jake asked, carefully setting his board aside.

                “You know Aubrey, right?” she said without preamble, a nervous release of words. Jake narrowed his eyes.

                “Yeah D, everyone knows her at this point.” Not that she hadn’t been a mystery at first, the odd twitchy punk magician that Mama found god-knows-where and was now settled in her own room, and who somehow ended up a member of the Pine Guard and who sets fires as easily as breathing. Whispers and curious glances followed her, but Jake wasn’t sure anyone really _knew_ her.

                “Ask a stupid question, I guess but uh… So, I just wanted to make her more welcome here,” Dani said haltingly, her face darkening to deep red with each word. “But I don’t know… how, exactly, you know? Or I do, but it would be… complicated? I guess? I have a plan but I need your help.”

                “Are you asking me for flirting advice? Because—”

                “No! No, nothin’ like that Jake, god. Where’s your sense of hospitality?” she asked, shoving him. Jake laughed and shoved her back, prompting her to smack his hand away playfully.

                “So you wanna show the pretty girl some hospitality, that’s cool, so why ask me?” Jake asked.

                “Well…”

                “Uh, that’s a concerning tone bro.”

                Dani looked at him, her green eyes wide and expression innocent. “Would you pose as a pet rabbit for me?”

                Jake leaned back, eyebrows raised. Dani went on quickly. “Just for a bit! I need something to start a conversation with her without being weird!”

                “But asking me to pretend to be a _pet bunny_ isn’t weird,” he said sarcastically.

                “I’ve known you for ages, I can be weird because I don’t have to—” She cut herself off and cleared her throat.

                “You don’t have to impress me you mean,” Jake laughed and Dani resolutely ignored him.

                “Just this one time? For me?”

                Jake sighed and leaned back, running a hand through his perpetually sun-bleached hair. Admittedly, it was for show. Part of him was extremely curious to see how this would shake out, and what better way to see what happens than to be there unnoticed?

                “Alright, dude. But this idea is nuts.”

                “Maybe it is,” she said as she hugged him quickly, “but nuts enough to work.”

                “I dunno about that. When do you plan on doing this?”

                Dani smiled awkwardly. “Right now?”

                “Dude.”

                “Come on!”

                Jake stood and grabbed his shining snowboard. Wordlessly he gestured for Dani to follow as she made his way to his room inside the lodge. It was near the living room, prime real estate to get first dibs on whatever Barclay was cooking that day.

                Unfortunately, they had to go though the living room, past the residents and visitors that gathered to take in the rustic atmosphere. He knew most residents tended to stay to themselves and mind their own business, but someone commenting on Jake being undisguised would ruin the plan pretty quickly.

                Dani tensed when she noticed Aubrey by the fireplace, entranced by the flames that she made dance across the logs that still burned, even in the warm weather. Jake could see why Dani was infatuated; Aubrey was gorgeous, with dark brown skin adorned with silver piercings and elaborate tattoos, bright red hair styled perfectly in a punk pompadour, and hazel eyes that took in everything eagerly and keenly.

                The way her face lit up as she made a perfect arc of flame across the log had Jake blushing a bit, but he gathered himself enough to pull Dani quickly and discreetly through the living room and to his room.

                His room was comfortable in the way that only years of inhabitation could achieve. The bed pushed in one corner was covered in a nest of old patched comforters and faded quilts. His couch was clearly handmade and lovingly repaired roughly a million times over the years. His walls were plastered with memorabilia and photographs: old tour posters for bands that lived and died decades ago, Olympic skiers and snowboarders, old friends and new faces, and sketches of a world too fantastic to be real to the uninitiated eye but sent a peal of homesickness through Jake when he let himself linger.

                With his board safely displayed on the wall next to the window, he turned to Dani. “You gotta be discrete and quick when you’re going through there, the second someone says something we’re done for.”

                “Got it,” Dani said with a nod. “And thank you again for this, I know this is kinda silly but…” She shrugged as if that explained her reasoning. Jake realized she must have gotten to the foolish stage of her crush and waved a hand dismissively.

                “Alright just remember, if you’re gonna give me a fake name or something out there, make it something radical.”

                “President Icicle? Professor Chillsnow? I don’t know, I can’t come up with something good on short notice! I just know that her rabbit has a very professional name so maybe you should too.”

                “Why not just walk up and say, _hey I made my best bro Jake Coolice turn into an animal so we could have a conversation_?”

                “Alright, point taken. What about Jack?”

                Jake stared blankly.

                “Like _Jack_ alope,” Dani explained meekly.

                “Professor Chill will have to work.”

                With that, he removed the snowboarding goggles he kept around his neck. His entire physiology shifted in the span of a second. His viewpoint shifted until he was barely calf height to Dani. Antlers sprouted from the top of his head and branched upwards proudly. Ears followed suit. Paws, a short tail, and powerful legs, all covered in golden brown fur.

                He stood on his hind legs, still just clearing Dani’s knees and looked up at her with big orange eyes. Dani grinned as she picked him up.

                “You’re adorable, just so you know.”

                “Shut up,” Jake grumbled as he settled into her arms, his voice reduced to a mere squeak.

                Dani took a deep breath and adjusted her hold on Jake. Her heart was pounding so quickly that Jake could feel it through the thick fabric of her overalls.

                “This is a dumb idea,” she whispered.

                “I’m already here, just go for it, dude.”

                She took another deep breath and held it as she walked confidently through the door and back into the living room. Aubrey had moved from the fireplace and was now sprawled across one of the chairs positioned by a window, her patch-covered denim vest discarded on the chair facing her. Sitting still was clearly not one of her strong suits, as her leg that was dangling over the armrest was bouncing quickly and her fingers tapped out a beat on her stomach.

                Dani picked up the pace and stood next to Aubrey. It was clear to Jake that she was just a touch tongue tied, but she managed to clear her throat.

                “Hey, mind if I—”

                “Oh my gosh!” Aubrey shouted, sitting up quickly enough to nearly upset the nearby end table. “Is that a magic rabbit? Like a Sylvane rabbit? What’s their name? Do all rabbits in Sylvane have deer horns?”

                Dani sat quickly and grinned as Aubrey began petting Jake. He wanted so badly to say something, to make a joke about the absurdity of the situation but managed to keep up the rabbit façade. He looked up at Dani and hoped she could feel the gravity of his eyes on her and feel his self-restraint.

                Dani clearly only had eyes for Aubrey though. Her smile was soft and just a little goofy as she watched Aubrey coo over Jake.

                It was strange for Dani to seek out friendships, Jake realized. In all his years at the lodge, he was always the one to get her to socialize; she would often tuck herself away in her room or in a corner with her sketchbook or head off into the woods on her own for hours upon hours. She must really feel something for Aubrey.

                Alright, he could keep his mouth shut.

                “His name is Professor Chill. He’s just a normal Sylvane rabbit!” Dani said, and _wow_ was she an atrocious liar. Her voice was high and stilted, but Aubrey didn’t seem to notice. Jake could tell Aubrey was interested in his antlers by the vague pressure he felt on his head and was only half-listening.

                “A pleasure to meet you, Professor,” Aubrey said seriously. “I’m The Lady Flame, and I’m honored to make your acquaintance.”

                 She seemed to be wholly interested in Jake, and he wondered if this was really the conversation starter Dani anticipated. Then he noticed the way she bit her lip and her eyes flickered back and forth between him and Dani’s face. Her skin darkened with each prolonged glance in her direction and Jake hoped she wouldn’t notice the involuntary smile that he quickly hid.

                “So how long have you had him?” Aubrey asked, sitting on the floor nearly nose-to-nose with Jake.

                “Do you really _have_ a rabbit? They almost own themselves,” Dani said with a nervous laugh, and Jake quickly twitched his head so his antler hit her in the chest. _What does that even mean?_

                But Aubrey looked up with an awed expression. “Exactly!” she said, drawing out the word in emphasis.

                Maybe they’re perfect for each other. Total dorks.

                The door to the lodge opened and Dani jumped. Jake, being jackrabbit sized, couldn’t tell who walked in until he heard the heavy bootsteps on the wooden floor. Dani swore under her breath, stiff in the seat.

                Barclay walked past at a leisurely pace, his arms laden with grocery bags. “Hey Dani, Aubrey,” he said pleasantly.

                There was no way to explain this situation without looking like weirdos or assholes.  Dani was frozen, but Aubrey waved back enthusiastically. Barclay continued on his merry way to the kitchen and Jake nearly let out a sigh of relief. They were in the clear.

                Until Barclay did a double take. “Jake? What are you doing?”

                Aubrey’s eyebrows knitted together. “Jake? Like… _oh._ ” It dawned on her quickly and Dani hid her face in her hands.

                “I fucked up,” she whispered.

                “I am so confused,” Barclay said, but turned on his heel, a clear indication that he refused to involve himself in the shenanigans, and left Aubrey looking back and forth between Dani and Jake with a perplexed expression. Jake wanted to join him and avoid the awkward fallout, but he was trapped between Dani and Aubrey.

                “That’s Jake Coolice. He’s the Jackalope, oka-a-ay…” Aubrey said. “Sorry I was like, petting you and prodding at your horns.”

                “It’s cool,” Jake mumbled.

                “Was this a prank or something?” Aubrey asked, and the almost betrayed tone in her voice made Jake feel terrible. He couldn’t imagine how it made Dani feel.

                “No, not at all! I just wanted to talk to you, you know, and I thought this would be the best way to start a conversation,” Dani blurted.

                For a moment, Aubrey was stunned silent. Then she was giggling, her eyes shut and shoulders hunched. Dani peeked between her fingers.

                “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you! I just should have guessed that the jackalope was a resident here first off, and second, I should have talked to you sooner yknow, but I was just… nervous,” Aubrey admitted.

                “I was too,” Dani said. “But I really would like to talk to you more! Maybe we could start a normal conversation by meeting your rabbit and forget all about this mess?”

                Jake couldn’t help but feel a little proud of her.

                “Oh definitely! I feel like you and Doctor Harris Bonkers would get along super well!” Aubrey said, bouncing to her feet.

                Jake took the opportunity to bound away towards his room. A quick glance backwards gave him a glimpse of Aubrey helping Dani to her feet with a chivalrous hand while the other seemed to spark excitedly.

                As ridiculous as Dani’s gambit was, he couldn’t help but be thrilled it had somehow worked out. He knew they would go out to the back where Aubrey and Mama had set up a rabbit pen and talk until the sun set over the Monongahela.

**Author's Note:**

> some links!  
> the very first (and currently, the only other) Jakealope fic posted: [check it out here!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18115175)  
> the TAZwlw discord server: [blog!](https://tazwlw.tumblr.com)
> 
> thank you for reading!!


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